Another satisfied customer

You know, there's nothing your Uncle Swan loves more than fan mail. It's those momentary flashes of connection with the little people out there that make the blood, sweat, and tears I pour into this blog every day worthwhile. Or maybe I just blog while listening to Blood, Sweat and Tears.

Speaking of "And When I Die," reader Pat Crandall of Jacksonville, Florida apparently wishes that I would.

Commenting on this long-ago post, reader Crandall (I'm not certain whether Pat is male or female — sort of like those old Saturday Night Live sketches with Julia Sweeney) writes:

Could you be MORE pretentious — please?!

After reading your tripe on the name, I must say (to paraphrase an old adage): it is better to keep silent and be thought a fool, than to write a blog and prove it. That was not one of your better 'thoughts'. And you say you are a professional? Really? No evidence here to convict you.

First of all, welcome to the party, Pat. I always adore hearing from my adoring minions. (Perhaps you know them? Ernest and Edna Minion? They winter in Jacksonville, if I recall correctly. If you bump into them at a social function, please wish them my best.)

To do your commentary justice, I'll address your cogent points in the order you present them.

• Could you be MORE pretentious — please?! Yes, of course, Pat, I could be more pretentious with a soupçon of effort. You, however, exhausted SSTOL's daily quotient of pretentiousness by using capitals for emphasis (we stick with the more reader-friendly italics here) and the paired question mark and exclamation point — a combination often observed in comic strips, but rarely in critical prose. (Try an interrobang — ‽ — next time.) So perhaps tomorrow, I'll reload the pretentiousness cannon and really let fly.
  
  
• After reading your tripe on the name... Clearly, Pat, you have no appreciation for truly fine tripe. You must be frequenting the wrong butcher shop. Remind me to share my menudo recipe with you sometime. (By the way, a few words you might want to look up sometime: satire; irony; joke.)
  
  
• I must say (to paraphrase an old adage): it is better to keep silent and be thought a fool, than to write a blog and prove it. Ah, but you see, Pat, while I was still silent, no one thought me a fool, given my regal bearing and piercing intellectual gaze. It was incumbent upon me to start a blog so that my innate foolishness could rise to the surface, like scum on pond water, for all perceptive folk — such as yourself — to see.
  
  
• That was not one of your better 'thoughts'. Alas, you're right, Pat. I wouldn't include the "Massacre High" post on my list of SSTOL's greatest hits. I would, however, note that it is nicely punctuated, without the incorrect (at least, in American style) use of single quotation marks where one should use dual quotes, or the location of terminal punctuation outside the quotes rather than inside, where it rightly belongs. I mean... since we're being critical and all.
  
  
• And you say you are a professional? Really? No evidence here to convict you. Well... I didn't say professional what, did I? No, wait, I did: "professional writer." My CPA would be delighted to present the evidence that I do, in fact, get paid (at times, even handsomely) for writing. It's on my tax returns and everything. He wouldn't lie to the Internal Revenue Service, would he?

You know what they say (to paraphrase another old adage), Pat: Those who can, do. Those who can't, blog. I'll humbly take my place in the latter camp. And if you can take a bit of good-natured ribbing, join me here again, won't you?