Wham! Bam! Van Damme!
The "Muscles from Brussels," film star and all-around irritant Jean-Claude van Damme, claims in an interview with a Romanian newspaper that he is a "superhero in bed."
Mr. van Damme did not, however, specify which superhero he is in bed.
In an effort to bridge this shameful information gap, offered herewith is SwanShadow's Top 10 Jean-Claude van Damme Superhero Identities for the Bedroom:
10. The Punisher: You've gotta figure a guy who made his name as a kickboxer probably likes it a little rough.
9. Strong Guy: You know those Continental fellows and their bathing habits.
8. Iron Man: He's the coolest cat with a heart (or something) of steel.
7. The Prowler: Late at night when you're sleepin', Jean-Claude comes a-creepin' around.
6. Mighty Thor: If you know the joke, you'll get the punch line. If you don't know the joke, get a kid from your local junior high to tell it to you.
5. Sgt. Rock: All this and World War II.
4. Mr. Fantastic: Like you didn't see this one coming. No pun intended.
3. Steel: If Jean-Claude had a hammer, he'd hammer in the morning, he'd hammer in the evening, all over this land.
2. War Machine: Force Works, baby. That's all I'm saying.
and SwanShadow's Number One van Damme Bedroom Superhero Identity...
1. Giant-Size Man-Thing. 'Nuff said!
In the interest of equal time, we now present The Top 10 Jean-Claude van Damme Superhero Identities for the Bedroom, As Reported By Mrs. van Damme:
10. Ant-Man
9. The Atom
8. Doll Man
7. The Heap
6. Sandman
5. Bouncing Boy
4. Quicksilver
3. The Flash
2. Speedy
and Mrs. van Damme's Number One Bedroom Superhero Identity for her husband...
1. Shrinking Violet
Mr. van Damme did not, however, specify which superhero he is in bed.
In an effort to bridge this shameful information gap, offered herewith is SwanShadow's Top 10 Jean-Claude van Damme Superhero Identities for the Bedroom:
10. The Punisher: You've gotta figure a guy who made his name as a kickboxer probably likes it a little rough.
9. Strong Guy: You know those Continental fellows and their bathing habits.
8. Iron Man: He's the coolest cat with a heart (or something) of steel.
7. The Prowler: Late at night when you're sleepin', Jean-Claude comes a-creepin' around.
6. Mighty Thor: If you know the joke, you'll get the punch line. If you don't know the joke, get a kid from your local junior high to tell it to you.
5. Sgt. Rock: All this and World War II.
4. Mr. Fantastic: Like you didn't see this one coming. No pun intended.
3. Steel: If Jean-Claude had a hammer, he'd hammer in the morning, he'd hammer in the evening, all over this land.
2. War Machine: Force Works, baby. That's all I'm saying.
and SwanShadow's Number One van Damme Bedroom Superhero Identity...
1. Giant-Size Man-Thing. 'Nuff said!
In the interest of equal time, we now present The Top 10 Jean-Claude van Damme Superhero Identities for the Bedroom, As Reported By Mrs. van Damme:
10. Ant-Man
9. The Atom
8. Doll Man
7. The Heap
6. Sandman
5. Bouncing Boy
4. Quicksilver
3. The Flash
2. Speedy
and Mrs. van Damme's Number One Bedroom Superhero Identity for her husband...
1. Shrinking Violet
SwanShadow was randomly pounding the keyboard at 10:41 PM
4 insisted on sticking two cents in:
Hi SwanShadow - very funny post ! :)
haha~nice one ;)
cheers!
sarah
http://www.tabulas.com/~shireen
I used to think it was hysterical to use Jean Claude Van Damme's name as a curse. You know something like, "Jean Claude Van Damnit where did I put my keys!"
Thanks for the kind words, Chris and Sarah.
Janet, if you've ever seen ("survived" might be a more accurate term) a van Damme film, then you know that your use of his name in that fashion is not only appropriate, but at times necessary. I actually had to write a review of one of his flicks for DVD Verdict a couple of years ago. It wasn't pretty.
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