Christmas carols confuse me

Among my many perpetually unanswered questions at Yuletide:

Why did the little drummer boy think the baby Jesus was a sub sandwich? "I am a poor boy too..."

Who is Don, and what's up with his gay apparel? Isn't it true that most cross-dressers are heterosexual?

"Up on the housetop reindeer paws..." I thought reindeer had hooves?

Why didn't the shepherd boy say to the little lamb, "How can I hear anything when you keep singing in my ear?"

Does anyone you know roast chestnuts on an open fire?

If the Herald angels sing "Hark," how are the Times and Chronicle angels reporting the news?

Am I the only one who feels underrepresented by "White Christmas"?

What games do reindeer play?

"He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake..." Is Santa stalking me?

When we sing "Joy to the World" at Christmas time, why do we leave out the verse about Jeremiah the bullfrog?

What did the Halls do that makes us want to deck them?

If one of the three kings left, would the others be disoriented?

If all that kid wants for Christmas is his two front teeth, can I have his presents?

Why was Mommy kissing Santa Claus?