Backstage with the Fed

Your thought upon viewing Kevin Federline's concert rider, posted recently at The Smoking Gun, will likely mirror mine:

When a guy can't even give away $20 ducats to one of his gigs, and barely sells enough copies of his purported CD to tile his bathroom, he's got more to worry about than what amenities inhabit his dressing room.

However, it's fun to see what K-Fed demands at performance (and I use that word accommodatively) time. Among the required items...

• One (1) chest or appropriate container of clean ice with scoop. Because you definitely don't want any of that dirty ice catering companies are so likely to serve.
  
  
• Six (6) one-liter sized bottled spring water (cold, no Evian please). Kevin doesn't like Evian because it's naive spelled backwards, and someone told him it was named after his rap-star dreams.
  
  
• Assorted cans of various Coke products (including at least 12 cans of Coke). Coke is a Coke product? Who knew?
  
  
• Six (6) cans of Red Bull. That's what we want to see: no-talent punks hopped up on sugar and caffeine.
  
  
• One (1) quart-size bottle of Ocean Spray Cran-Apple Juice. Kevin calls cranberries "the ninja fruit."
  
  
• Hot water tea set-up with assorted herbal teas, sliced lemon and honey. Which K-Fed will doubtless sip with his pinky jutting straight out.
  
  
• GNC Emergen-C powder. Obviously, K-Fed is a disciple of Linus Pauling.
  
  
• One (1) bottle of Jack Daniels; one (1) bottle of Grey Goose vodka. So much for the herbal tea and Vitamin C — let's get K-Fed plastered!
  
  
• Beer?? I'm not sure whether this means K-Fed actually wanted beer, or if he was asking himself whether he wanted beer. Or perhaps he was simply contemplating the sound of the word "beer."
  
  
• Two (2) packs of Marlboro cigarettes (1 red, 1 light); one (1) ashtray. It's never too early to start working toward that case of emphysema you always wanted, kid.
  
  
• One (1) bag of Doritos (Regular or Cool Ranch flavor). As the great philosopher Jay of Leno once said: "Crunch all you want — we'll make more!"
  
  
• One (1) bag of BBQ Chips. Good thing they didn't mistype "buffalo chips," or someone might have gone out and filled a bag with K-Fed CDs.
  
  
• Box of Altoids, red. Altoids are "curiously strong." Just like K-Fed himself.
  
  
• Four (4) clean towels. With these and a pot of boiling water, K-Fed is ready to deliver babies at the drop of a hat.
  
  
• Two (2) aromatherapy pillar candles. A K-Fed with a balanced qi is a happy K-Fed.