Sunday afternoon stroll

Your Uncle Swan takes you on a whirlwind tour of the Sunday headlines. Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times.

• I guess they won't be renaming that darned bike race the Tour de Floyd after all.
  
  
• "Virginity is definitely something I like about myself," says Hilary Duff, whose doting stage mom describes her daughter as "a very chaste young woman."
  
  
  
  That rustling sound you just heard was monkeys flying out of my butt.
  
  
• Now here's a lineup you never thought you'd see: Self-styled "Christian metal" band Stryper as one of the opening acts for Slayer — the thrash-metal band that once joked that its name was an acronym for "Satan Laughs As You Eternally Rot" — at the Monterrey Metal Fest.
  
  Hmm... the group that recorded albums entitled To Hell with the Devil and In God We Trust sharing the stage with the band that released such classics as Hell Awaits and God Hates Us All. I guess we really can all get along.
  
  
• Tiger Woods becomes the first professional golfer to win 50 tournaments before his 31st birthday. At this rate, Tiger will win 100 titles by the time he hits his mid-40s.
  
  That is, if the rest of the PGA hasn't simply surrendered by then.
  
  
• Chevrolet announced that 2008 will see the return of the Camaro.
  
  
  
  Smelling millions of dollars in repair bills, auto mechanics across America rejoice.
  
  
• Paramount Pictures has decided not to renew Tom Cruise's exclusive contract, unless Smilin' Tom agrees to take a sizable reduction in pay.
  
  I'm guessing Tom won't be shaking his groove thing on Oprah over this one.
  
  
• Patrick Swayze says Mel Gibson is "a wonderful human being."
  
  Funny thing about Patrick: I thought he'd be taller.
  
  
• Some 200 angry Kiss fans stormed the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland yesterday to protest the fact that their favorite band of Kabuki-makeup-wearing, platform-boot-stomping, stage-blood-spewing guitar heroes haven't been elected to the Rock Hall, despite having been eligible for nearly a decade.
  
  Man... I haven't seen the Kiss Army this incensed about anything since "Beth."
  
  
• Paris Hilton announces that she is celibate.
  
  What, more monkeys?