Extreme Makeover: Exploitation Edition

So you've been wondering..."Why can't my family get a cool new house for free on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition?"

Well, bunkie, you're probably not pathetic enough.

Those eagle-eyed muckrakers at The Smoking Gun turned up this memo from Charisse Simonian, the "family casting director" for EM:HE, outlining the kinds of families she's looking to build future episodes — and houses — around.

The healthy and well-adjusted need not apply.

Simonian says in her memo that the show is especially eager to find families in which one of the parents is dying of Lou Gehrig's disease or skin cancer, or in which one of the children has progeria (the condition that causes kids to age rapidly and prematurely), anhidrosis (a rare malady that renders the victim unable to feel pain) or muscular dystrophy. Simonian seeks families with multiple children with Down syndrome — apparently, if you only have one child with Down syndrome, you aren't suffering sufficiently. Families who have been victimized by hate crime ("The Klan burned a cross on your lawn? We'll build you a new house!") or a home invasion robbery are also appealing subjects for the show.

The request that seems most egregious is for a family who've had a child killed by a drunk driver. These people obviously have not grieved enough until they've had their sorrow plastered on television screens across America.

Ty Pennington, meet Jerry Springer. You two will have a lot to discuss.