Brown bunnies need not apply

[WARNING: Those of delicate sensibility may want to take a pass on the following post. The rest of you — and you know who you are — feel welcome to forge ahead. — The Management]

Is Vincent Gallo serious?

The actor and director of the decade's most controversial film, The Brown Bunny (in which Gallo received oral gratification onscreen from costar Chloë Sevigny), is selling off his reproductive juices for a million bucks.

Note a few of the highlights from the sales pitch on Gallo's Web site, with comments from your incredulous (and skeptical) Uncle Swan:

• Mr. Gallo will supply sperm for as many attempts as it takes to complete a successful fertilization and successful delivery. Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by Mr. Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free. (Chloë Sevigny and her ear, nose and throat physician will no doubt be pleased to hear the latter.)
  
  
• If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself. (Hey, Vince... looked in the mirror lately? The purchaser might want you to knock a few hundred grand off the price if you insist on doing the deed without a bag over your ugly mug.)
  
  
• There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of congenital diseases. (Vincent is, however, distantly related to James Watt.)
  
  
• If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy. (Yeah, everything looks bigger on a movie screen, pal. Ask Mark Wahlberg.)
  
  
• Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. (Apparently, Mr. Gallo is also a fan of David Duke, George C. Wallace, Orval Faubus, and Adolf Hitler. But not Strom Thurmond, perhaps.)
  
  
• Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar. (I'm surprised he didn't mention control of the world's monetary system.)
  
  
• To be clear, the purchase of Mr. Gallo's sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for the child. (Ernest and Julio just breathed a huge sigh of relief.)

Yes, I'm certain that all of the above is Vincent Gallo's twisted idea of a joke. But I've heard better.